2010

September 24 2010 

I got this really cool notebook my mother got me from a store. It has the joker in it, from the movie the dark knight. Im a really big fan of christian bale, he is one of my
favorite actors. I had to get this notebook i told my mother, Im really excited to write since i havent done this for quite a while. This is a nicer way way to tell people how i feel everyday, i dont have somebody to talk to, cause everyone is dealing with their own shit.  Ive been feeling much better every single time but i wont deny i can get sad once in a while, depending why. I just seem to be those type of people who dont like being bothered by others. I like to do my own thing. Its been a really good day, i cant really tell you why, but its been a really good day.

September 26 2010 
 I been thinking about giving p, since ive never had support from anyone, thats how i feel, and i do get support, but i dont feel it enough. I try changing my life to a better one, one step at a fucking time. I cant really have a conversation with someone without mentioning things that might keep me away from that person, it has happend before, i admit im not a really good listener sometimes, i cant really handle a conversation, sometimes i might mess up, and just step away.  I made alot of mistakes that i havent had the chance to fixed them, but i learned from them, and i guess it makes me a better person. You cant live in your past all the time, so i have to think about me future then? I dont see myself like most people see me. I may be wrong, but sometimes i just see myself as this weird girl who likes weird things. I really like history, i went to the holocaust museum, it was a great experience since i got to know more about the nazis and adolf hitler, what he did was horrible, no doubt about that. My sister got me anne franks diary, i havent read it all but its a great book. I like to read alot, especially art, history and music books. I learn alot from them. I also like movies, my favorite actor is johnny depp. He is handsome, and he is a great actor. I remember watching one of his movies, the one with the scissors, i fell inlove with him instanly. My dad has taken me to the movies alot, not to mention my other favorite actors, Christian Bale, James Franco and Heath ledger. I like watching documentaries as well. Normally girls like to hang out with their friends, hang out with their boyfriends, go shopping, and all that crap, i just rather stay at home doing my thing. Thats me. Yup. Ive been talking about how i hate my life and forget about the good things, i was joking about that one,

September 30 2011
 I still havent learned to not give a shit about what people think of me.. I thought to myself, why do i keep on hurting myself, i really didnt care at all about myself, i did what i wanted. At some times i felt alone, like i had nobody, i let people hurt me, i hurted myself. I was mentally and emocionally ill. I just said, fuck it and did what i wanted. I started messing around with my medicine, things out of control. Back then i was pretty messed up. I smoked cigarretes. I havent had a ciggarete for a while. It helps me with my anxiety, but at the same time its bad. Ive stoped now, but once in a while i really want one. Anyways, Im still trying to figure out who i am, even though i keep on falling, i get up and start again. Depression is one of the worst feelings in life, you just dont understand anything, but trying to figure out why. I let all that negative shit bring me down when i was in school, every single day i would get kicked in the face, i had alot of people tell me that i was worthless, i wasnt going to be someone in life, people who dont even know me, at some point i was weak, and i was breaking down, i had suicidal thoughts once in a while, it really broke me down. I had people telling me how much of a pain in the ass i was, i remember this once, i was in class and this girl came up to me and said i was the ugliest girl she had ever seen in her life,  i stood up, and ran to the bathroom, i started crying and breaking down, and they started laughing at my face, i still can hear them making fun of me. When i got to my house, i would go to my room and i thought about everything that girl told me, and slowly, breakingdown. Im not pefect, and i think no one is, Its amazing how one person can do so much harm. When i started school again, i was afraid that this would repeat itself again and again and again.

October 4 2010

When i say im different or weird, its because i feel im not like the rest, which is good because i like being myself. Its hard to be myself around people, and i still cant be myself. The only place where i feel myself, its my house. The only place i can be myself, and dont have to worry about anything. I always try my best, seriously, my best, but people dont see that. Im very lucky to have supportive parents, i dont know what id do without them. They mean the world to me. I dont know where i would be without them. Self harming was tough for me, it was one hell of experience. First time i ever self harmed was when i was 12.  I was in the bathroom, i was crying, i was devastated, i needed help. No one could hear me cause i had the music out loud. I got the razor and started back and forth, i looked at myself in the mirrow, i was so bad, i went back to my room, and went to sleep. Next day, i went to take a shower, and i saw the scars, you know how they say every scar has its story?, well, i have alot of scars, and they have their own story. At some point, i do have low self steem, and whenever i feel like this, i usually selfharm, but ive decided to stop, cause not only im hurting myself, im hurting the people i love. Its hard to talk about, my parents know about it, and they are aware about it aswell. I listen to music alot, im a really big fan of ladygaga, she has helped me alot. Words cant explain how proud i am to be a little monster.Everytime i feel depressed, i always listen to her, she makes me feel better, or whenever i get in a fight with someone.

October 15 2010
I think ive told people that i like girls. This is new, i havent talked to anyone about this but i had a experience with this girl, she was gorgeous, and lovely.  I cant really say that im bisexual, ive never been this open about my sexuality, i have never talked to anyone about it. I remember at school, people made this rumor that i was gay. They started saying that i liked girls and all that crap. Its hard for someone to accept it. But it is what it is. Its just hard.I know alot of people who are gay, or lesbian and they have a really hard time coming out. It takes time. Anyway, i overthink to much and i guess thats my problem, i know alot of people who overthink, and their minds go crazy and by saying that, i mean it. I dont wanna make the same mistakes again, I wanna be a different person, but im so tired of trying. Im tired of people pushing me to be a better person. Im not perfect, i can be a prick, yes. Im off to bed, bye. xoxo

October 23 2011

You ever loved someone for a really long time and all of a sudden that person is out of your life? I hate when people want to become a part of my life, and they leave. If i change, is for good. I could be a bad person if i wanted, and i still can, but that doesnt make you a better person does it?. I have a headache, im tired. Ive been crying and cant sleep. I thought things would change, but clearly, they are the same. Anyway, I think im falling inlove with a person, who obviously doesnt want anything with me, I hate when i get these random feelings, and show them off. I just cant continue like this,  Ive been feeling lonely, sad, and depressed. People dont know how hard is to be feeling like that, even though i have a smile on my face that doesnt not mean im okay. I just want to be happy and have a goddamn reason to smile. Recently i havent been feeling good, but i try to see life positive. I remember he told me he cared about me, and that he would be there for me always. Depression started since 2007, i moved to a different country cause of my dad´s work. I left my best friend, I was so happy back then, its like, ugh, its hard man, hard.

October 30 2010


So i was seeing this guy and started self  harming, it was horrible. So, i started dressing differently, i started smoking, drinking. In that way i thought i was gonna get over him. I can be sensitive at times,  he called me , but i wouldnt answer his calls, he texted me, i wouldnt answer his texts, so i guess, he gave up. He broke up with me cause  I guess i was too young. My depression began its not a good feeling. Back then, i didnt know what was good or right for me, the only thing i cared about was him. I just hate how someone is a big part of my life and all of a sudden, disappears. I asked him why, i thought maybe i did something wrong, which i knew i didnt. After a couple of months past, he came again to my house, he told me what had happend, he was sorry and begged me to give him a second chance which i did, he was the love of my life. I missed him so much, We would get in fights all the time, and i was the one getting hurt. But i would still be with him no matter what, It was hard to let go. Love for me means nothing to me at all, its just a waste of time now. I used to believe in it, now i dont. There isnt a day that i dont think about him and i know the more i think about it, the more it hurts me, i cant be living in the past. I hate myself cause i always fuck everything up, i keep on making the same mistakes over and over and over again. I got yelled at, my mom isnt happy. I told myself many times i wouldnt hurt myself, it really helps, but i dont wanna keep on hurting myself anymore. It was a bad decision, i know. ill try my hardest to become a better person, cause i know i am. Night, xoxoxoxo

October 31 2010

The first thing you should know its that im a shy person. I usually fake a smile, when i know things arent okay with me. Sometimes i dont understand myself. I try my best not to make a fool out of myself, i guess i have different tastes in everything. Making friends is hard, since ive been moving alot cause of my dad, and im not saying is a bad thing, i had this great friend, we would have fun together, i would go to her house, she would go to mine, i had birthday parties, i had a friend, and i feel like im loosing her. Ive been in different schools, i wasnt a good student, i would always get bullied by girls. They dressed so nice, they did their hair, they had boyfriends, they had parties, pretty much i wanted a life like that, i wanted to be that cool kid, even though it meant acting stupid. I started growing up, everything changes in a second, things happend so fast, its like i never had a chance to come back to life, thats how i felt. I had to figure out things by myself, it was hard, it was a challenge, a big one.Something ive learned in life is never trust anyone. I had people fail me and its not a good thing. I dont understand how difficult is for someone to keep their mouth shut.

November 11 2010
 Ive always been a rebel, And im still one. Mostly I pretend everything is okay when everything is wrong. Its hard.  Dont have much to say You wanna know something about me? I hate myself, why? I push myself to hard to be a better person then what i really am. Im just tired of trying. I dont wanna give up that easily. Everyone asks me why do i get so sad and why do i hurt myself so badly, and its because i feel bad about myself cause i keep pushing myself to hard to be a better person like i said before, you know what i would love to do right now?  I would love to go to a place were i wont be judge, were i could be myself without worrying about shit. I feel like every person is falling apart from me bits to bits.  Im not fucking perfect, people need to know that even though i have it all in my life, i still feel like i need something.  Everyone in my family is doing their shit, sometimes i think they forget about me. I really wish there was someone out there who will love me for who i am, wont judge me and make me feel right. I want someone to keep my mind distracted, i dont need someone to be there to whipe my ass all the fucking time. I just want a friend. Someone i could laugh with ,have fun with. I dont one no fucking boyfriend, even though i think it would be nice, and not because of the sex. I mean, sex can be great, but it has to be with that person you love. My parents protect me so much and i hate it. They dont understand im no baby. Maybe its the reason why the people who have gotten out of my life have fear. Cause they think my parents are gonna kill them or some shit like that. I wanna be independent and do me. Not giving a shit what other people think and just be happy. I just want to go to a place like i said before, and just relax, not worrying about a goddamn thing, chillin.

5 de Breezy

So yesterday was Chris brown´s birthday.  Happy birthday sweetie. Im a big fan of him. So anyways, I just wanted to share with yall this story that i wrote a year ago. I finished it but there is some parts that i havent finished in this one. Its just about this boy named Richard and he is having a hard time with his life. I cant really identify with this but some things here were written in my Journal. Im just trying to take both sides of him and me. We have a bit in common, not that much though.



Richard, he was like any of us, his parents were divorced when he was 5 years old. He started going to school as usual, he wouldnt be nice to anyone, people didnt really talk to him, cause they thought he was weird, and antisocial,he barely said hi to anyone. He wouldnt pay attention to class, he would get in trouble easily, and he never cared about anyone but himself. He would do anything to get in trouble, and he really didnt give a fuck what others thought about him, once he set on fire a classroom, lucky there wasnt anyone in there, he got into trouble and got expelled, thats what he wanted, he wanted to get out of school, so his parents decided it was best for him to homeschool, he did like the idea, but he still wasnt happy. 2 years past, And his mother decided it was better if he went to school again,he started over, like a fresh piece of paper, he had the same behavior he had in the last 3 schools he attended, he went with his parents on his first day of school. He stayed with his mom meanwhile his dad needed to work. He watched all the classmates talking and having fun, but all he would say is ” I wanna go home”, ” I hate school and i hate society”. His first class, he didnt say anything and if teachers asked him about something, he would just say ” NO” or “YES”, classmates knew he had  trouble. He tried his best to make friends but he couldnt, all he could think about is, him. He would get bullied every single day, and people would make fun of him, cause he was different from all of them. He carried a cassete player, always. He would listen to his music, and start writting in his journal, his mom gave to him so that he can write his thoughts, all he could think about was, getting out of that school, he was sarcastic whenever someone tried to be nice to him. His best friend, james, they where really close but richard had to leave him since he was moving away, since then, they havent talked  since richard started changing and becoming someone he wasnt. He was trying to figure out himself, he always blamed god for everything, he would always pray for his family and friends, and he always asked god, “whats the meaning of life”? .he wasnt religious, he believed in god even though he had his doubts about him , Sometimes he would ask his parents if believing in god was good or bad. His parents always told him to believe in what he wants, not like the rest of the people. He would write about how he got expelled from three different schools, he started becoming  antisocial. he never wanted to talk to anyone, he was always in trouble, since he would talk back to anyone, and he didnt do his school work, he just, didnt do anything. He would come back from school, and he would just, write in his journal, he was too into his journal he didnt have time for anyone or anything. His parents decided to take him to the doctor, he first started going to a psychologist, different ones, he didnt like it at all, even one time he got really angry he took what was in the desk and threw it all over the place. He put on his black shirt and black pants and his favorite black boots, and head off to the doctor, his mother asked “Why black?”. Richard just smiled and headed to the doctor. Richard’s mom told the doctor what has been happening, she said “Well, my son is behaving in a strange way, and i need to know what is happening, he doesnt like going to school, making friends, he wont even speak to me”, as the doctor says “Well, im gonna have to evaluate him”, so richard walks in, and the doctor asks him, “Whats going on”, but Richard wont say a word. They both take their time, until Richard starts talking but with his head down, he feels lonely, his dad doesnt care about him, he tries his best to make a relationship with his father, but he cant. He starts telling the doctor everything he has been feeling, he wasnt the only one in the family, he had 2 brothers and 1 sister. His brothers lived in different countries and didnt get to see them often as his sister. He once said, that his sister told him about a man who raped her, he hasnt told his parents about that, his sister commited suicided. Apparently she had taking pills, and been  cutting her wrists. He tells the doctor, ” She was like me, she didnt like talking to anyone, she was weird though, but i dont wanna talk about her anymore”. Richard never talked about her at all. Richard walks out and the doctor tells him, to tell his mother to come in. They stay there for a very long time, and they head to their house. Richard as always, he goes to his room, puts his favorite music outloud, and starts writting in his journal, he starts writting all his feelings, he just wants to be happy. he wanted to do the things he liked.He starts taking his medication which he hates, he mentioned he used to have ADHD and thats one of the causes which he couldnt  be social as he wanted to, he was, special. He knew there wasnt anything wrong with him, even though he had depression, and he got angry for no reason, sometimes he would throw stuff everywhere and threathen to kill, anyone or himself, he had suicidal thoughts, and he got to a point where he started cutting because in that way, he felt better about himself and didnt have to talk about his problems with anyone. His mother was worried about him, and often took him to the doctor on and on, but the doctor wouldnt get any reply, it was hard dealing with Richard since he was a man of short words. He didnt like to talk about his private life, even though he mentioned a couple of times, he met this girl which he loved and cared, they havent spoked for a while, maybe because the girl needed her space but the truth, she never liked him, But he thought, he had  to tell the doctor everything since its the only way he would help richard, so he started telling how he got anxiety, he would take ritalin and mixed it with coffee, sometimes he would passed out, and he started crying and he would go upstairs, and start cutting himself, he never mentioned why he would do it,until he went to school one day, and he was feeling sick, and the nurse saw he had cuts in his wrists. So she called his dad, and his dad was waiting for him, and asked him what was going on, he asked him why he would cut, but he never got answers, his dad told him, that if he needed to talk, he was there for him, as he shouted,” You cant be serious”. ” You have never been there for me goddamn it”, “You only care about your job, and nothing else”, he and his dad started arguing, and richard went to his room and slammed the door and said “Fuck you anyway”. He would start writting in his journal, he mentioned was afraid that someone was gonna break his heart. He had everything in life, but he still wasnt happy. He never asked for anything, all he wanted is to be happy, He went running to the kitchen and asked his mom, “Mom, do you love me”? She wouldnt reply cause she thought richard already knew the answer, and he would yell at her “MOM!? DO YOU LOVE ME?”, she wouldnt reply, she just looked him in his eyes, and told him to lower his voice down, as his stepfather aproaches to the kitchen and asks “What the hell is going on in here”, and he replied, “NOTHING”!, “DONT TALK TO ME”, it got to a point were his dad couldnt handle his “anger” and he beat up richard’s mom, richard got upset, and he went running, when he got downstairs, he had something in his hands, his dad started yelling “WHAT DO YOU HAVE BEHIND YOU, YOU LITTLE PRICK”, as richard points at him with a revolver, and says “YOUR DEAD TO ME”, and BANG!, there was a complete silence in the kitchen, “What the fuck did you just do” his mother asked him, she was crying and she was nervous. Apparently a neighbor called 911, and said he had heard gunshots in richard’s house. So the police came, and richard was nervous, and he had admitted, he killed his dad, Police took richard to custody where he would be judge, he was scared, and he couldnt stop crying. Rrichard had alot of things he wanted to tell his family, but he just couldnt cause no one would listen to him anyway, he was afraid of being judge, for some reason he got out of jail, he never told how and why. He had written in his journal that he once, had a relationship with a guy, he never said he was gay, but he had a romance with a guy. He never mentioned him again. He asked his mother if she could bring him his journal which he hide in the bed, he would write down everything he felt, he started writting down things that he hated. He would write “I will sooner die than betray my own thoughts, but before i leave this worthless place, i will kill whoever I deem unfit”, he started writting deep thoughts, he mentioned he had depression, and whenenver he felt alone, he would write that type of thoughts.  He had suicidal thoughts, he tried to kill himself, but he just couldnt. He documented that he wanted revenge against anyone who he thought had ever wronged him, He would bring his journal and read some of his thoughts to the doctor, one of them says ” When you need me, im there for you, but when i need you, where the fuck are you?”, ” I know i fucked up and im still fucking up shit as usual”, ” That one time when SHE hurted me, you thought that it was me the whole fucking time, the whole motherfucking time”, as he continued to write about his anger, You dont care about me, so why should i fucking do the same?, i remember  a couple of things that happend back then, but i need you, and you fucked it up. I suppose to be making my own decisions. I need to get my shit together, I need to get away as soon as possible, I wanna be happy. Im not normal? been thinking about giving up since i never got support from anyone, refering to his parents. I wish i had someone who is there for me, no matter what. My mom always supports me in anyway, i can tell her anything, If my mom can, why cant you dad? why the fuck cant you? He was mad cause he always got support from his mom, but his dad never gaved a fuck. He then continued, Changing my life to a better one, one step at a fucking time, There was this girl who made me smile, laugh, she was the only person who i really cared for, I wasted my time on her. I mean, sex wasnt good. Im never gonna fall for anyone again, ive been thinking, well, overthinking too much. I dont wanna make the same mistakes  i did,I really want to be a different person, but im fucking tired of trying. Im tired of people pushing me to be a better person. I might be crazy, fuck it. He really cared about this girl, but this girl broked his heart, the girl he was talking about in the beggining, he was very inlove, but the girl never felt the same about him. That took him to a depression, he would go out, he wouldnt speak to anyone, he was hurt. He doesnt understand how can they be people like her, He then asked if you have ever loved someone  for a really long time and all of a sudden you aint got shit from that person?, I really fell for this girl. Im changing. Maybe is that. He was trying to figure out who he was, but he never thought it could be a pain in the ass. He then wrote, I HATE MYSELF, I HATE MY LIFE, I HATE EVERYBODY. He started going crazy, and began to write, I JUST CANT CONTINUE, IVE BEEN FEELING LONELY, SAD, DEPRESSED.  I JUST WANT A GODDAMN REASON SMILE. He’s anger was not enough, as he continued to write his wrath with himself. He wrote to this girl he liked, ” Ive fallen inlove with this girl, she broke my heart”, maybe is time to break her heart. He stated, I remember the time she told me, she cared about me. She would be there for me always. She lied to me.  He was pretty angry with this girl, he then wrote, GOODBYE. The next morning he woked up, He was tired, he didnt sleep, he needed a shower. He came running down the stairs, and his mom yelled “RICHARD”!!. he ignored her, and went up to his room again. His mother came running and knocked his door, but he wouldnt reply. He was too busy writting in his journal, thats all he would do, he once said ” . He got dressed, and he went downstairs, he had this really long black trenchcoat. “Where do you think your going with that trenchcoat”, she asked. As he replied, “To school”. His mom told him to go upstairs and change, but he wouldnt listen. It was already late and he was getting late for class, so they both hurried up. Once richard was in the school, he gaved his mom a really long hug, not that usual hug he gaved her, he gave her a goodbye hug, but she didnt feel it, and told her not to pick him up afterschool, she asked him why, but he didnt answer. Richard with this creepy maniac smile, he started walking until he got to the front doors of the school, yelling “It’s my fault! \ Not my parents, not my friends, not my favorite bands, not computer games, not the media, it’s mine.” In another entry he wrote, “I’m full of hate and I love it.” He skipped class, cause he didnt want to see his classmates, especially that girl. His mother was worried about him, she would get calls from school saying that richard wouldnt show up to class, and that made her more nervous than ever.Richard came to his house and his mother was really upset with him, she asked him, “why havent you gone to school”? “you are lying to me!”, he wouldnt answer her, He went running up the stairs, slamming the door on his mother face, and he went to the bathroom were he had a razor and took his arm and started cutting himself. He wouldnt talk to anyone, she took him to the doctor again, and he started screaming and punching the wall, and getting very pissed off, as he continued to scream and throwing papers everywhere. He was really upset,he did not want to talk to anyone, he was pissed off, he knows he can do better, and he tries to become a better person, so the doctor told his mom, its better if he goes to a mental hospital.His mom was in tears, she couldnt stop crying but she had to do what was best for her son. Its been 3 years since his accident, he is back home, and he is doing better everyday. He looks under his bed, and takes his journal out and starts writting about his moments in the mental hospital, he wrote I cannot believe what i have turned into, im a monster, i wish i could take life more seriously, i wish i hadnt killed my dad,  he started remembering his past, and when he did, he would go crazy. He began writting, I will never forget those days where i couldnt sleep, eat, or be myself. That hospital tortured me forever.I couldnt recognize myself, Ive never felt so sad in my life, He had this thing for guns, he owned a pair, and he would shoot in occasions. He would make home videos, where he would say ” If you ever hurt that kid i swear to god im gonna shoot your brains out. do you understand you worthless piece of shit”, his mother didnt know about the guns, about how obsessed he was with horror movies and serial killers, he once mentioned he wanted to be like the columbine guys, eric and dylan. He said eric was his heroe, richard, started drawing what it appears  to be a massacre, this is what he would write, “THIS IS THE LAST TIME ANYONE WILL EVER SEE ME, I HAVE SO MUCH ANGER IN THIS MOMENT, I CANNOT WAIT TO BLOW THEIR HEADS OFF, MOM, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. His mom didnt know about his plans, he would talk to him about that, little did she know that his son was a pyschopath. Richard started to become more agressive, he would stay hours in his room, planning the massacre. He planned this on his own, nobody helped him. His dad death really got him, and he never regret about what he did. He had alot on his mind. He would listen to heavy metal, his favorite artist was marylin manson, he would play his songs over and over again. It was the day of the massacre, he got  dressed in black and wore that same trenchcoat he had recently worn a week ago. He had this smile,he said ” Ive never felt so happy”, He loaded up his guns and hide them in his trencoat, he started walking, showing of his big smile, little do we know what he was about to do. He got to school began running until he got to the front doors, they were locked, so he went to the back of the school. He got in, and the first thing he did was dropped the bombs in the lunch room, he began shooting , you could hear people running and screaming “HELP”! ,  Everyone in that school was shocked and nervous, some of them jumped out of the window looking for help, meanwhile richard began looking for victims. He shot a girl named Melissa, who was hiding under a table, he would start running around and screaming “PEAK A BOO” He started going to the libary, He shot 10. then he went upstairs and peaked at every single he couldnt stop laughing while he was shooting up the school, someone called 911, and reported that a male who apparently goes to this school is the gunma and apparently he was a ex student.. He got expelled since he opened fire to one of the classrooms.Police began to operate. They see richard shooting up, and they tell him to put the gun down and put his hands on his back, richard was so scared, he didnt know what to do. Police tried to calm him down, they couldnt save him, he shot himself.  His mother was devastated, she couldnt speak to the media. He killed 29 students and injured 60. His mom didnt know what was going on, they didnt know how bad their son was, and they didnt explain themselves why did he do that, The police searched richards room, where they found 3 journals and home videos. His classmates described him as a weird and antisocial person. He would sit by himself and if anyone tried to talk to him, he would ignore them. He seemed happy in the outside, but in the inside he was sad. The only thing he wanted is to be happy.