September 24 2010
I got this really cool notebook my mother got me from a store. It has the joker in it, from the movie the dark knight. Im a really big fan of christian bale, he is one of my
favorite actors. I had to get this notebook i told my mother, Im really excited to write since i havent done this for quite a while. This is a nicer way way to tell people how i feel everyday, i dont have somebody to talk to, cause everyone is dealing with their own shit. Ive been feeling much better every single time but i wont deny i can get sad once in a while, depending why. I just seem to be those type of people who dont like being bothered by others. I like to do my own thing. Its been a really good day, i cant really tell you why, but its been a really good day.
September 26 2010
I been thinking about giving p, since ive never had support from anyone, thats how i feel, and i do get support, but i dont feel it enough. I try changing my life to a better one, one step at a fucking time. I cant really have a conversation with someone without mentioning things that might keep me away from that person, it has happend before, i admit im not a really good listener sometimes, i cant really handle a conversation, sometimes i might mess up, and just step away. I made alot of mistakes that i havent had the chance to fixed them, but i learned from them, and i guess it makes me a better person. You cant live in your past all the time, so i have to think about me future then? I dont see myself like most people see me. I may be wrong, but sometimes i just see myself as this weird girl who likes weird things. I really like history, i went to the holocaust museum, it was a great experience since i got to know more about the nazis and adolf hitler, what he did was horrible, no doubt about that. My sister got me anne franks diary, i havent read it all but its a great book. I like to read alot, especially art, history and music books. I learn alot from them. I also like movies, my favorite actor is johnny depp. He is handsome, and he is a great actor. I remember watching one of his movies, the one with the scissors, i fell inlove with him instanly. My dad has taken me to the movies alot, not to mention my other favorite actors, Christian Bale, James Franco and Heath ledger. I like watching documentaries as well. Normally girls like to hang out with their friends, hang out with their boyfriends, go shopping, and all that crap, i just rather stay at home doing my thing. Thats me. Yup. Ive been talking about how i hate my life and forget about the good things, i was joking about that one,
September 30 2011
I still havent learned to not give a shit about what people think of me.. I thought to myself, why do i keep on hurting myself, i really didnt care at all about myself, i did what i wanted. At some times i felt alone, like i had nobody, i let people hurt me, i hurted myself. I was mentally and emocionally ill. I just said, fuck it and did what i wanted. I started messing around with my medicine, things out of control. Back then i was pretty messed up. I smoked cigarretes. I havent had a ciggarete for a while. It helps me with my anxiety, but at the same time its bad. Ive stoped now, but once in a while i really want one. Anyways, Im still trying to figure out who i am, even though i keep on falling, i get up and start again. Depression is one of the worst feelings in life, you just dont understand anything, but trying to figure out why. I let all that negative shit bring me down when i was in school, every single day i would get kicked in the face, i had alot of people tell me that i was worthless, i wasnt going to be someone in life, people who dont even know me, at some point i was weak, and i was breaking down, i had suicidal thoughts once in a while, it really broke me down. I had people telling me how much of a pain in the ass i was, i remember this once, i was in class and this girl came up to me and said i was the ugliest girl she had ever seen in her life, i stood up, and ran to the bathroom, i started crying and breaking down, and they started laughing at my face, i still can hear them making fun of me. When i got to my house, i would go to my room and i thought about everything that girl told me, and slowly, breakingdown. Im not pefect, and i think no one is, Its amazing how one person can do so much harm. When i started school again, i was afraid that this would repeat itself again and again and again.
October 4 2010
When i say im different or weird, its because i feel im not like the rest, which is good because i like being myself. Its hard to be myself around people, and i still cant be myself. The only place where i feel myself, its my house. The only place i can be myself, and dont have to worry about anything. I always try my best, seriously, my best, but people dont see that. Im very lucky to have supportive parents, i dont know what id do without them. They mean the world to me. I dont know where i would be without them. Self harming was tough for me, it was one hell of experience. First time i ever self harmed was when i was 12. I was in the bathroom, i was crying, i was devastated, i needed help. No one could hear me cause i had the music out loud. I got the razor and started back and forth, i looked at myself in the mirrow, i was so bad, i went back to my room, and went to sleep. Next day, i went to take a shower, and i saw the scars, you know how they say every scar has its story?, well, i have alot of scars, and they have their own story. At some point, i do have low self steem, and whenever i feel like this, i usually selfharm, but ive decided to stop, cause not only im hurting myself, im hurting the people i love. Its hard to talk about, my parents know about it, and they are aware about it aswell. I listen to music alot, im a really big fan of ladygaga, she has helped me alot. Words cant explain how proud i am to be a little monster.Everytime i feel depressed, i always listen to her, she makes me feel better, or whenever i get in a fight with someone.
October 15 2010
I think ive told people that i like girls. This is new, i havent talked to anyone about this but i had a experience with this girl, she was gorgeous, and lovely. I cant really say that im bisexual, ive never been this open about my sexuality, i have never talked to anyone about it. I remember at school, people made this rumor that i was gay. They started saying that i liked girls and all that crap. Its hard for someone to accept it. But it is what it is. Its just hard.I know alot of people who are gay, or lesbian and they have a really hard time coming out. It takes time. Anyway, i overthink to much and i guess thats my problem, i know alot of people who overthink, and their minds go crazy and by saying that, i mean it. I dont wanna make the same mistakes again, I wanna be a different person, but im so tired of trying. Im tired of people pushing me to be a better person. Im not perfect, i can be a prick, yes. Im off to bed, bye. xoxo
October 23 2011
You ever loved someone for a really long time and all of a sudden that person is out of your life? I hate when people want to become a part of my life, and they leave. If i change, is for good. I could be a bad person if i wanted, and i still can, but that doesnt make you a better person does it?. I have a headache, im tired. Ive been crying and cant sleep. I thought things would change, but clearly, they are the same. Anyway, I think im falling inlove with a person, who obviously doesnt want anything with me, I hate when i get these random feelings, and show them off. I just cant continue like this, Ive been feeling lonely, sad, and depressed. People dont know how hard is to be feeling like that, even though i have a smile on my face that doesnt not mean im okay. I just want to be happy and have a goddamn reason to smile. Recently i havent been feeling good, but i try to see life positive. I remember he told me he cared about me, and that he would be there for me always. Depression started since 2007, i moved to a different country cause of my dad´s work. I left my best friend, I was so happy back then, its like, ugh, its hard man, hard.
October 30 2010
So i was seeing this guy and started self harming, it was horrible. So, i started dressing differently, i started smoking, drinking. In that way i thought i was gonna get over him. I can be sensitive at times, he called me , but i wouldnt answer his calls, he texted me, i wouldnt answer his texts, so i guess, he gave up. He broke up with me cause I guess i was too young. My depression began its not a good feeling. Back then, i didnt know what was good or right for me, the only thing i cared about was him. I just hate how someone is a big part of my life and all of a sudden, disappears. I asked him why, i thought maybe i did something wrong, which i knew i didnt. After a couple of months past, he came again to my house, he told me what had happend, he was sorry and begged me to give him a second chance which i did, he was the love of my life. I missed him so much, We would get in fights all the time, and i was the one getting hurt. But i would still be with him no matter what, It was hard to let go. Love for me means nothing to me at all, its just a waste of time now. I used to believe in it, now i dont. There isnt a day that i dont think about him and i know the more i think about it, the more it hurts me, i cant be living in the past. I hate myself cause i always fuck everything up, i keep on making the same mistakes over and over and over again. I got yelled at, my mom isnt happy. I told myself many times i wouldnt hurt myself, it really helps, but i dont wanna keep on hurting myself anymore. It was a bad decision, i know. ill try my hardest to become a better person, cause i know i am. Night, xoxoxoxo
October 31 2010
The first thing you should know its that im a shy person. I usually fake a smile, when i know things arent okay with me. Sometimes i dont understand myself. I try my best not to make a fool out of myself, i guess i have different tastes in everything. Making friends is hard, since ive been moving alot cause of my dad, and im not saying is a bad thing, i had this great friend, we would have fun together, i would go to her house, she would go to mine, i had birthday parties, i had a friend, and i feel like im loosing her. Ive been in different schools, i wasnt a good student, i would always get bullied by girls. They dressed so nice, they did their hair, they had boyfriends, they had parties, pretty much i wanted a life like that, i wanted to be that cool kid, even though it meant acting stupid. I started growing up, everything changes in a second, things happend so fast, its like i never had a chance to come back to life, thats how i felt. I had to figure out things by myself, it was hard, it was a challenge, a big one.Something ive learned in life is never trust anyone. I had people fail me and its not a good thing. I dont understand how difficult is for someone to keep their mouth shut.
November 11 2010
Ive always been a rebel, And im still one. Mostly I pretend everything is okay when everything is wrong. Its hard. Dont have much to say You wanna know something about me? I hate myself, why? I push myself to hard to be a better person then what i really am. Im just tired of trying. I dont wanna give up that easily. Everyone asks me why do i get so sad and why do i hurt myself so badly, and its because i feel bad about myself cause i keep pushing myself to hard to be a better person like i said before, you know what i would love to do right now? I would love to go to a place were i wont be judge, were i could be myself without worrying about shit. I feel like every person is falling apart from me bits to bits. Im not fucking perfect, people need to know that even though i have it all in my life, i still feel like i need something. Everyone in my family is doing their shit, sometimes i think they forget about me. I really wish there was someone out there who will love me for who i am, wont judge me and make me feel right. I want someone to keep my mind distracted, i dont need someone to be there to whipe my ass all the fucking time. I just want a friend. Someone i could laugh with ,have fun with. I dont one no fucking boyfriend, even though i think it would be nice, and not because of the sex. I mean, sex can be great, but it has to be with that person you love. My parents protect me so much and i hate it. They dont understand im no baby. Maybe its the reason why the people who have gotten out of my life have fear. Cause they think my parents are gonna kill them or some shit like that. I wanna be independent and do me. Not giving a shit what other people think and just be happy. I just want to go to a place like i said before, and just relax, not worrying about a goddamn thing, chillin.
I got this really cool notebook my mother got me from a store. It has the joker in it, from the movie the dark knight. Im a really big fan of christian bale, he is one of my
favorite actors. I had to get this notebook i told my mother, Im really excited to write since i havent done this for quite a while. This is a nicer way way to tell people how i feel everyday, i dont have somebody to talk to, cause everyone is dealing with their own shit. Ive been feeling much better every single time but i wont deny i can get sad once in a while, depending why. I just seem to be those type of people who dont like being bothered by others. I like to do my own thing. Its been a really good day, i cant really tell you why, but its been a really good day.
September 26 2010
I been thinking about giving p, since ive never had support from anyone, thats how i feel, and i do get support, but i dont feel it enough. I try changing my life to a better one, one step at a fucking time. I cant really have a conversation with someone without mentioning things that might keep me away from that person, it has happend before, i admit im not a really good listener sometimes, i cant really handle a conversation, sometimes i might mess up, and just step away. I made alot of mistakes that i havent had the chance to fixed them, but i learned from them, and i guess it makes me a better person. You cant live in your past all the time, so i have to think about me future then? I dont see myself like most people see me. I may be wrong, but sometimes i just see myself as this weird girl who likes weird things. I really like history, i went to the holocaust museum, it was a great experience since i got to know more about the nazis and adolf hitler, what he did was horrible, no doubt about that. My sister got me anne franks diary, i havent read it all but its a great book. I like to read alot, especially art, history and music books. I learn alot from them. I also like movies, my favorite actor is johnny depp. He is handsome, and he is a great actor. I remember watching one of his movies, the one with the scissors, i fell inlove with him instanly. My dad has taken me to the movies alot, not to mention my other favorite actors, Christian Bale, James Franco and Heath ledger. I like watching documentaries as well. Normally girls like to hang out with their friends, hang out with their boyfriends, go shopping, and all that crap, i just rather stay at home doing my thing. Thats me. Yup. Ive been talking about how i hate my life and forget about the good things, i was joking about that one,
September 30 2011
I still havent learned to not give a shit about what people think of me.. I thought to myself, why do i keep on hurting myself, i really didnt care at all about myself, i did what i wanted. At some times i felt alone, like i had nobody, i let people hurt me, i hurted myself. I was mentally and emocionally ill. I just said, fuck it and did what i wanted. I started messing around with my medicine, things out of control. Back then i was pretty messed up. I smoked cigarretes. I havent had a ciggarete for a while. It helps me with my anxiety, but at the same time its bad. Ive stoped now, but once in a while i really want one. Anyways, Im still trying to figure out who i am, even though i keep on falling, i get up and start again. Depression is one of the worst feelings in life, you just dont understand anything, but trying to figure out why. I let all that negative shit bring me down when i was in school, every single day i would get kicked in the face, i had alot of people tell me that i was worthless, i wasnt going to be someone in life, people who dont even know me, at some point i was weak, and i was breaking down, i had suicidal thoughts once in a while, it really broke me down. I had people telling me how much of a pain in the ass i was, i remember this once, i was in class and this girl came up to me and said i was the ugliest girl she had ever seen in her life, i stood up, and ran to the bathroom, i started crying and breaking down, and they started laughing at my face, i still can hear them making fun of me. When i got to my house, i would go to my room and i thought about everything that girl told me, and slowly, breakingdown. Im not pefect, and i think no one is, Its amazing how one person can do so much harm. When i started school again, i was afraid that this would repeat itself again and again and again.
October 4 2010
When i say im different or weird, its because i feel im not like the rest, which is good because i like being myself. Its hard to be myself around people, and i still cant be myself. The only place where i feel myself, its my house. The only place i can be myself, and dont have to worry about anything. I always try my best, seriously, my best, but people dont see that. Im very lucky to have supportive parents, i dont know what id do without them. They mean the world to me. I dont know where i would be without them. Self harming was tough for me, it was one hell of experience. First time i ever self harmed was when i was 12. I was in the bathroom, i was crying, i was devastated, i needed help. No one could hear me cause i had the music out loud. I got the razor and started back and forth, i looked at myself in the mirrow, i was so bad, i went back to my room, and went to sleep. Next day, i went to take a shower, and i saw the scars, you know how they say every scar has its story?, well, i have alot of scars, and they have their own story. At some point, i do have low self steem, and whenever i feel like this, i usually selfharm, but ive decided to stop, cause not only im hurting myself, im hurting the people i love. Its hard to talk about, my parents know about it, and they are aware about it aswell. I listen to music alot, im a really big fan of ladygaga, she has helped me alot. Words cant explain how proud i am to be a little monster.Everytime i feel depressed, i always listen to her, she makes me feel better, or whenever i get in a fight with someone.
October 15 2010
I think ive told people that i like girls. This is new, i havent talked to anyone about this but i had a experience with this girl, she was gorgeous, and lovely. I cant really say that im bisexual, ive never been this open about my sexuality, i have never talked to anyone about it. I remember at school, people made this rumor that i was gay. They started saying that i liked girls and all that crap. Its hard for someone to accept it. But it is what it is. Its just hard.I know alot of people who are gay, or lesbian and they have a really hard time coming out. It takes time. Anyway, i overthink to much and i guess thats my problem, i know alot of people who overthink, and their minds go crazy and by saying that, i mean it. I dont wanna make the same mistakes again, I wanna be a different person, but im so tired of trying. Im tired of people pushing me to be a better person. Im not perfect, i can be a prick, yes. Im off to bed, bye. xoxo
October 23 2011
You ever loved someone for a really long time and all of a sudden that person is out of your life? I hate when people want to become a part of my life, and they leave. If i change, is for good. I could be a bad person if i wanted, and i still can, but that doesnt make you a better person does it?. I have a headache, im tired. Ive been crying and cant sleep. I thought things would change, but clearly, they are the same. Anyway, I think im falling inlove with a person, who obviously doesnt want anything with me, I hate when i get these random feelings, and show them off. I just cant continue like this, Ive been feeling lonely, sad, and depressed. People dont know how hard is to be feeling like that, even though i have a smile on my face that doesnt not mean im okay. I just want to be happy and have a goddamn reason to smile. Recently i havent been feeling good, but i try to see life positive. I remember he told me he cared about me, and that he would be there for me always. Depression started since 2007, i moved to a different country cause of my dad´s work. I left my best friend, I was so happy back then, its like, ugh, its hard man, hard.
October 30 2010
So i was seeing this guy and started self harming, it was horrible. So, i started dressing differently, i started smoking, drinking. In that way i thought i was gonna get over him. I can be sensitive at times, he called me , but i wouldnt answer his calls, he texted me, i wouldnt answer his texts, so i guess, he gave up. He broke up with me cause I guess i was too young. My depression began its not a good feeling. Back then, i didnt know what was good or right for me, the only thing i cared about was him. I just hate how someone is a big part of my life and all of a sudden, disappears. I asked him why, i thought maybe i did something wrong, which i knew i didnt. After a couple of months past, he came again to my house, he told me what had happend, he was sorry and begged me to give him a second chance which i did, he was the love of my life. I missed him so much, We would get in fights all the time, and i was the one getting hurt. But i would still be with him no matter what, It was hard to let go. Love for me means nothing to me at all, its just a waste of time now. I used to believe in it, now i dont. There isnt a day that i dont think about him and i know the more i think about it, the more it hurts me, i cant be living in the past. I hate myself cause i always fuck everything up, i keep on making the same mistakes over and over and over again. I got yelled at, my mom isnt happy. I told myself many times i wouldnt hurt myself, it really helps, but i dont wanna keep on hurting myself anymore. It was a bad decision, i know. ill try my hardest to become a better person, cause i know i am. Night, xoxoxoxo
October 31 2010
The first thing you should know its that im a shy person. I usually fake a smile, when i know things arent okay with me. Sometimes i dont understand myself. I try my best not to make a fool out of myself, i guess i have different tastes in everything. Making friends is hard, since ive been moving alot cause of my dad, and im not saying is a bad thing, i had this great friend, we would have fun together, i would go to her house, she would go to mine, i had birthday parties, i had a friend, and i feel like im loosing her. Ive been in different schools, i wasnt a good student, i would always get bullied by girls. They dressed so nice, they did their hair, they had boyfriends, they had parties, pretty much i wanted a life like that, i wanted to be that cool kid, even though it meant acting stupid. I started growing up, everything changes in a second, things happend so fast, its like i never had a chance to come back to life, thats how i felt. I had to figure out things by myself, it was hard, it was a challenge, a big one.Something ive learned in life is never trust anyone. I had people fail me and its not a good thing. I dont understand how difficult is for someone to keep their mouth shut.
November 11 2010
Ive always been a rebel, And im still one. Mostly I pretend everything is okay when everything is wrong. Its hard. Dont have much to say You wanna know something about me? I hate myself, why? I push myself to hard to be a better person then what i really am. Im just tired of trying. I dont wanna give up that easily. Everyone asks me why do i get so sad and why do i hurt myself so badly, and its because i feel bad about myself cause i keep pushing myself to hard to be a better person like i said before, you know what i would love to do right now? I would love to go to a place were i wont be judge, were i could be myself without worrying about shit. I feel like every person is falling apart from me bits to bits. Im not fucking perfect, people need to know that even though i have it all in my life, i still feel like i need something. Everyone in my family is doing their shit, sometimes i think they forget about me. I really wish there was someone out there who will love me for who i am, wont judge me and make me feel right. I want someone to keep my mind distracted, i dont need someone to be there to whipe my ass all the fucking time. I just want a friend. Someone i could laugh with ,have fun with. I dont one no fucking boyfriend, even though i think it would be nice, and not because of the sex. I mean, sex can be great, but it has to be with that person you love. My parents protect me so much and i hate it. They dont understand im no baby. Maybe its the reason why the people who have gotten out of my life have fear. Cause they think my parents are gonna kill them or some shit like that. I wanna be independent and do me. Not giving a shit what other people think and just be happy. I just want to go to a place like i said before, and just relax, not worrying about a goddamn thing, chillin.
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